Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to
the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman


Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid



Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty


Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, case call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them moved. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps
so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper



Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Follow The Conductor

EUGENE ORMANDY QUOTATIONS

Collected by members of the Philadelphia Orchestra.


... He is a wonderful man and so is his wife.

(On the occasion of the death of David Oistrakh) I told him he'd have
a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

I conduct faster here so you can see my beat.

The next movement is still in the factory.

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo.
It's clearly marked quarter note = 80, uhh, 69.

It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before.

I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo.

I don't want to repeat this 100 times. When you see crescendo, it
means p.

I was trying to help you so I was beating wrong.

The minute you slow down a fraction, you're behind.

Who is sitting in that empty chair?

Bass Clarinetist: What note do I have? EO: The score is written out
the way you hear it the way you play it - and I have to transpose
back to normal.

Tubist: Long note? EO: Yes, make it seem short.

Even if the right instruments are not here, we will play it anyway.
It's only a short piece.

I can conduct it better than I count.

Intonation is important, especially when it is cold.

It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect.

I purposely gave you a slower tempo, because I did not know what the
right one was.

Something went wrong. It was correct when I studied it.

Don't play louder, just give it more.

I purposely didn't do anything and you were all behind.

EO: To the Woodwinds: There are no woodwinds at Number 6. Woodwinds: We're at number 15. EO: I know. that is why.

Did you play? It sounded very good.

I never say what I mean but I always manage to say something similar.

EO: Percussion a little louder Percussion: We don't have anything.
EO: That's right, play it louder.

If you don't have it in your part, leave it out because there is
enough missing already.

Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?

We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the
airplane.

The tempo remains pp.

We have to play it longer because there are no numbers or letters.

That was perfect. It was just the opposite from what I said yesterday.

Q: is that a G or a G# Maestro? EO: Yes.

Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it
softly.

Let's start at 35 because I don't know where it is.

This is a very democratic organization, so let's take a vote. All
those who disagree with me, raise their hands.

During the rests -- pray.