Under Attack

Those of us who give lectures prior to classical music concerts should feel under threat of extinction. The New York Philharmonic has experimented with a hand-held device that provides listeners with a running analysis of works of music as they are being performed. If successful, and adopted widely, these devices would make such pre-concert talks a thing of the past. As I contemplate being made redundant, I would like to offer some suggestions for improvements to the new technology. The first added feature should make it possible to enter a code and receive an instant, on-the–spot evaluation of the performance by one’s choice of critics from the nearest prestigious newspaper. I envision a kind of skybox with five critics feverishly typing away at computer terminals. You could punch in the name of critic A and get “Too fast!” or Critic B and get “Too loud!” or Critic C and get “Too leathery.” This would make up for the reduction in space even the best papers now allot to serious music criticism and give these worthy writers a higher profile.

The next phase of my proposed technological enhancement would allow the audience to interact with the performers and actually affect the interpretation. Upon a certain threshold of hand-held input, the conductor would receive a message saying “Slow down!” or “We can’t hear the flute!” or, more seriously, “Skip to the next piece; we’ve had it with this one.” It could be like a channel changer. Not maybe such a good idea for contemporary composers such as myself. But it would add a new dynamic to the concert hall: audience empowerment.

If that seems just too democratic I would suggest that series subscribers and donors be rewarded with periodic insider messages. For example, “The second bassoon just lost his place.” Or “We never got around to rehearsing this passage.”

Until this technology is perfected I plan to stay with the live lecture. I hope it’s good for at least one more season.